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DEAR EDITOR, Once again you've managed to kill enough trees and make up enough vapid idiocies to put out another "newspaper". If I wasn't eating so much fiber these days, I wouldn't bother reading this tripe, but my wife threw out all of my back issues of PlayElf, forcing me to rely on you, the toilet paper provider, to keep me distracted during my hours upon the throne.
I'll start at the top, with your front page "exclusive" about the two presumed dead vampires. If you have two brain cells left to bang together, think about that a minute. "Vampires Presumed Dead". They're vampires! They're not "presumed" dead, they're dead by definition. After reading about the husband's antics at the POSH dinner and the butt-sniffing excuse of an interview Gavilean had with the psychotic walking leech of a wife, I've determined that it would not be a big loss if they ceased to exist, good riddance to 'em.
The next story demonstrates the lows to which RhyDin has crawled, and apparently The Oracle is handing out shovels to folks so they can dig lower. Anyone who believes justice was done by a self-admitted homicidal maniac and death knight unleashing mob rule on an unsuspecting enemy must think the Oracle is the greatest thing on print. Just because Ayreg is feeling guilt over causing the death of one of his pet bimbos is no reason to allow him to start assembling a horde of equally fatuous killers, ready to tear apart someone at a blind accusation. Your bootlicking and unquestioning acceptance of the dead man's guilt demonstrates your bird cage liner's lack of anything resembling journalistic integrity.
You would do just as well to focus the oversexed and overliquored energies of your band of brainless zombies masquerading as reporters to find and name every vampire in RhyDin, which might do a measure of preventing the random deaths exemplified in your third story. If six foot long mosquitoes were flying around RhyDin, attacking people and sucking them dry of blood, there would be calls for giant fly swatters, and programs to breed bigger frogs. But dress them up in lace and leather and all of a sudden they're tragic and misunderstood. Horse feathers.
The rest of your pile of excrement was much of the same, death death death, violence, soul sucking, and death, with the exception of the report on the Mongoose run, which was particularly poorly written, and therefore a fine example of the best The Oracle has to offer.
Sincerely, Still None of Your Damn Business
P.S. Fire your cartoonist, a retarded monkey could do better with its poo.
DEAR STILL NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, I am so happy to know you are enjoying our paper so! I don't know what we would do without your constructive criticism. We will work harder to please you. You still have not given me your address so we can deliver it directly to your door. Next time I'm sure you will ask for a subscription.
DEAR EDITOR, I was a patron in the Inn a few nights ago, and I saw something that outraged me to my core. I have only recently returned to RhyDin after several years travelling. You expect some things to change. In RhyDin you expect several things to change. However, I never expected to see a noble dragon muzzled! Such a thing is outrageous and demeaning! Dragons are noble, they are the most ancient of races. They are not common animals to be tethered or muzzled or brought to heel! They are creatures as sentient as any other. To confine one so is akin to slavery.
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Has RhyDin changed so much that a dragon will be muzzled at the hands of a human? I have seen spitting cats in the Inn heckling some poor lass because a man of their "circle" has spoken kindly to her. Do we muzzle them? Do we clip their claws and leave them to the mercies of a possible enemy, defenceless? Do we tie up the men that come to the Inn intent on carving some poor sap that doesn't even know him? Do we strip them of their weapons and make them fodder for others? Do we bind the hands of a magic user because they might cast a nasty spell on someone?
Not as far as I know or can recall.
Has RhyDin truly changed so much? Is there no one that is as outraged by this act as I am? It seemed there was only one other person in the Inn that shared not only my distaste for this act, but my outrage as well.
Aylysia d'Etoile
DEAR AYLYSIA, I guess for some it is easier to muzzle a dragon than to bind a human. I don't know if there are other people interested in this issue but you are very passionate about it. Maybe you can start RhyDin's first non-profit organization of People for the Ethical Treatment of Dragons. If you decide to follow my advice, don't forget that The Oracle will gladly help promote your organization.
DEAR EDITOR,I am writing to you with a request about your newspaper.
My pet Macaw, Talomar (No, not THE Talomar, though many people have made that mistake), very much enjoys the sports section of your paper. Every month when I receive your paper, I carefully fold it into a perfect square shape with the sports section on top and lay it in the bottom of his cage. I wish you could hear how he squawks with joy as he flies around the cage reading all the articles! You have a very fine newspaper.
Here is my request. I happen to only have arm, and so it is very difficult for me to fold the paper every month when I receive it. I have received paper cuts on several occasions! I am not asking you for band aids. I was wondering if you could have my paper delivered with the sports section folded to the top. Other customers might expect you to get a special folding machine just for them, but I do not! I would just like my paper to arrive my doorstep with the sports section prominently displayed. Talomar would be so happy! You might not want to completely change your method of folding as I'm sure you have other customers who are happy with your folding right now. But you are the newspaper person, so I'm sure you know best how to fold your paper.
Please write to me and tell me how I can expect my paper to be folded when I receive next month's issue. Thank you.
Sincerely, Ted L. Nancy
DEAR TED, we happen to have a newspaper boy with only one arm. I will have him deliver your paper and between the two of you maybe you will find an easier way to fold the paper! Little Talomar will be so happy!
We want to hear from you. Send your ((private)) message to Amaltea. Selected messages will be printed in the next issue of The Oracle.
All Creatures Big and Small
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August 5, 2006 - Shadow Hell-fire, Lily Hell-Fire, and Chantra Hell-Fire. They are each survived by Tetronus. Shadow was sister and friend to him. Lily his daughter and Chantra his wife. There were no services held. Each has their own stone in the RhyDin cemetery where flowers can be sent in rememberance.
Official Tera Starfare Disclaimer: This is not to say that they are dead and gone forever however. This is to say that they are dead, buried, and have gravestones at the time of this printing of The Oracle.
Starfare Wedding Boutique — We here at Starfare Wedding Boutique offer several different plans to make that once in a lifetime occasion something that you and the love of your life can look back on with fond memories as your paths become one forevermore. For more information contact Gavilean or Tera Starfare either at their home or their mail boxes at the Red Dragon Inn.
Hellballs Leather Goods — "When you need more than skin, Hellballs Leather Goods. After all, it's your hide you are protecting." — To place your order or for more information contact Woody Sprite. You can leave a message for him at the Red Dragon Inn.
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DESPERATELY SEEKING no one, to do nothing, at the RhyDin Springs Water factory. This person I'm looking for shouldn't exist and in doing so, must not be able to lift between 50 - 75 lbs and be customer-oriented. They will not be paid a decent wage, including medical/dental benfits, and will have no hope for a good retirement plan. The unjob includes twenty personal and vacation days that will never be used. Please do not respond to this ad in person or by telephone, we won't want to hear from you. All RhyDinians are ugly, stupid and useless anyway.
Scathachian Sanctuary — Negotiation-irradication services for victims of injustice. For consultation interview (including fees), one may contact the Sanctuary directly, or Isuelt DeRomiano at the Red Dragon Inn.
Cargo Hauling, cheeeeeeap! — Courier for hire, I can take anything anywhere you want it to go. Contact box in the Red Dragon Inn, room five. Fees negotiable. Misty
To submit your classified send a ((private)) message to the Editor.
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