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DEAR AMAL, I'm taking this opportunity to write to you as a citizen of RhyDin not as one of your reporters. I've had it with the predatory women of this here town. They are lurking around every corner it seems just waiting to pounce on any unsuspecting man!
Just last night (Sept 24) my husband was a victim of one of these hussies that assumed just because he smiled at her he wanted to go out with her or maybe she was assuming he wanted more than just to go out with her. I don't know for sure but it was clear from what she said that she was under this mistaken impression from nothing more than him saying "Hello" and smiling to her that he was interested in her personally.
I feel it is a sad day indeed when a person can't even smile and say "Hello" to another person without that person thinking they are going to have a date or some such nonsense just because someone has been polite and has shown good manners. Granted there is a lack of people with good manners at times but still this here situation with the women in this here town has done got out of control when a man can't even say "Hello" and smile without being considered as hitting on a woman.
I have seen this happening time and time again to several of my male friends and feel it is time to put a stop to this brazen behavior on the part of the predatory women in this here town. Why they are getting worse than the men acting all brazen the way they come on to all the guys that sometimes have only glanced in their direction!
I say enough is enough!!! Women if you can not control your hormones then stay at home until you can! There ain't no man that is going to take you seriously and engage in a committed relationship with you if you can't keep yourself under control for more than 5 minutes when in their company. Oh yes most of them will take you home with them for a night or two maybe even more but I can guarantee you that it won't last and if you get married to them you will be seeing that RhyDin divorce court real fast.
Tera "No Touching Without Permission and Down With Predatory Women" Starfare
DEAR TERA, I believe it has something to do with the man shortage mentioned on page eight of this issue. Is not that the women are desperate, it's just that there are not enough men! In the meantime, you could tattoo "Property of Tera" on Gav's forehead.
TO THE SEMI-LITERATE MONKEY-BRAIN RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS WHALE VOMIT, I turn my pen, once again, in a vain attempt to convince you bucket-headed illiterates to stop the ridiculous mauling of journalistic standards as well as to stop the senseless slaughter of all of the trees required to publish this vapid, moronic, insipid, and all-together useless piece of tripe. The trees killed to line your pockets with the silvers of those Rhydinites even more brainless than you, the royally stupid (I know they have no brains since they pay for this crud), would be put to
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better use for, well, just about anything, up to and including recycled paper towel tubes.
I'm not going to bother reviewing your front page story, except to say that, if this month's Oracle says four people were brutally murdered, then there will be a story in next month's Oracle saying how four people came back from a long vacation and are wondering what the fuss was about. I see you still refrain from publishing a "Corrections and Retractions" column, knowing perhaps that it would be longer than the rest of your articles put together. I must ask, has your paper ever gotten its front page story right?
I notice that, beyond being an incompetent reporter, Tera Starfare, is also an incompetent bartender and athletic referee, nearly killing her boss in the process. As her boss is the editor of this rag, I cannot say I would be disappointed, as Amaltea's incompetence apparently extends to her ability to select competent help. Whatever her other qualifications, Queen Starfare's mind has apparently been permanently altered by the lust spell her devious and unscrupulous new husband cast upon her.
The reward for his dastardly action, bewitching the mind of a two day old widow, convincing her to leave her husband's resting place for a roll in the graveyard hay, is that he is now in charge of dispensing advice to those too empty-minded, or too desperate, to see him for the viper that he is. While he may select, or simply make up, letters designed to make his advice look wise, kind, and even witty, any one with the IQ of a slime mold, which leaves out your readers, can see the obvious answers to the questions he chooses to answer.
As to the story of children escaping their guardians to cause mischief, I have but one word: Beatings. Children should be beaten regularly, even without cause, until the little nosemining house monkeys know how to behave. If beatings are too severe a punishment for some soft hearted cud chewer, one could always force them to read The Oracle instead.
On a final note, I must mourn the return of Tara, as it means she is still around to scribble color onto paper to a degree that the drooling orang-outangs in charge feel the need to share her insipid kindergarten quality works with the world. Bah.
Still Trying to Stop the Madness,
None of Your Concern
DEAR NONE OF YOUR CONCERN, did you forget to take your meds this month? Ok, here's what I will do for you, I will send you a new prescription along with a free copy of the paper. I'm sure that will cheer you up!
All Creatures Big and Small
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Rented: Apartment at 42 Cranapple St. by Colonel William Samuel Savage
New Listings
Sale Pending: This unique apartment building has recently been claimed by one of our dragon citizens. Sale is pending based on getting a variance from the neighbors.
New Development: Hobbit Realty is in the final stages of their new hobbit development. Several homes are still available for the hobbit-sized home owner. Prices begin at only 25,000 silver crowns!
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This is a fine example of what happens when certain Scathachian women move into the neighborhood, creating a very "girlie girl" style of curb appeal. With the recent vacating of the above homes, this is the perfect opportunity to snatch up these tastefully modeled feminine homes. Act quickly! Contact The Oracle office.
This home has just gone on the market! Previously owned by unemployed carpenter with a rapidly growing family, this is the perfect home for anyone with twenty or more children. Motivated seller is willing to unload this mess for only 15,000 silver crowns. Call today!
Do you want to see your home featured? Do you want to sell your house or rent an apartment? Sennd your ((private)) message to Gavilean Starfare.
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When making my rounds of the cemetery this month I came upon this gravestone that I hadn't seen last month. I don't know the details of this person's death but found the sentiment quite lovely.
Gwydion the "Lumage" Tangel.
08/04/XXXX
Loved and missed. Stronger than most people could ever wish to be. A man who despite what life had set against him, did what needed to be done, with no regard for his own well being. May his music and love continue from the ever after as he showers us with each from above. Courageous & True to his own heart until the very end. Godspeed.
Official Tera Starfare Disclaimer: This is not to say that they are dead and gone forever however. This is to say that they are dead, buried, and have gravestones at the time of this printing of The Oracle.
The Oracle's part-time reporter for the classifieds and a full-time realtor for RhyDin ReMax, Hom Fin Soon, died this week of very unnatural causes. He was discovered dead at his desk with the heel of a 6" stilleto stabbed into his back, just penetrating his heart. He had just completed a report on the Scathachian Sisters and a very (in his words) "Girlie Girl" home that was vacated. Police are investigating if there are any possible links. There will be a private viewing rather than his usual "Open House".
Starfare Wedding Boutique — We here at Starfare Wedding Boutique offer several different plans to make that once in a lifetime occasion something that you and the love of your life can look back on with fond memories as your paths become one forevermore. For more information contact Gavilean or Tera Starfare either at their home or their mail boxes at the Red Dragon Inn.
Hellballs Leather Goods — "When you need more than skin, Hellballs Leather Goods. After all, it's your hide you are protecting." — To place your order or for more information contact Woody Sprite. You can leave a message for him at the Red Dragon Inn.
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DESPERATELY SEEKING no one, to do nothing, at the RhyDin Springs Water factory. This person I'm looking for shouldn't exist and in doing so, must not be able to lift between 50 - 75 lbs and be customer-oriented. They will not be paid a decent wage, including medical/dental benfits, and will have no hope for a good retirement plan. The unjob includes twenty personal and vacation days that will never be used. Please do not respond to this ad in person or by telephone, we won't want to hear from you. All RhyDinians are ugly, stupid and useless anyway.
Scathachian Sanctuary — Negotiation-irradication services for victims of injustice. For consultation interview (including fees), one may contact the Sanctuary directly, or Isuelt DeRomiano at the Red Dragon Inn.
Cargo Hauling, cheeeeeeap! — Courier for hire, I can take anything anywhere you want it to go. Contact box in the Red Dragon Inn, room five. Fees negotiable. Misty
Guthorm Othinsson is looking for work as a "Gar Bag Collector!" He says he is willing to "rub out your gar bag" for you anytime, anywhere, in RhyDin and surrounding areas. This Norseman comes with a sterling reputation for always getting the job done no matter how small or how large it may be you can count on Guthorm Othinsson to see to it that the work is done and done right the first time!
Only serious inquiries please. Messages may be left at the Red Dragon Inn in care of Guthorm Othinsson.
WORKERS NEEDED!! The Beresford Orchard is looking for strong, steady hard working men to help bring in this season apple harvest. Must have strong back, weak minded or bodied men need not apply. See Lasherette Beresford for information, or apply at the Beresford Orchard. Pay dependant on experience.
To submit your classified send a ((private)) message to the Editor.
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