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TO THE HEAD POO FLINGER, ORACLE NEWSPAPER MONKEY HOUSE, It appears that your incompetence knows no bounds, now extending to your newly published front page word search. The symbols you use in your Zodiac puzzle are in no known language, are smudged from the fingerprints of your junior monkeys, and you forgot to print the list of words your imbecilic readers are supposed to be searching for. Well done, your puzzle section is holding up the reputation of the Oracle admirably.
Not to be left out, your retractions department is running right on schedule, only taking five months to formally acknowledge your bumbling mistake on the death of this Amthy person, and three months to retract the story about the death of the lawyer Howe. I breathlessly await your retraction three years from now that your reports of the sun burning out and shrivelling to a cinder were greatly exaggerated.
Despite my repeated protestations, you continue to employ the most brain-damaged staff in RhyDin, presumably because you needed fo find people stupider than you. Tera Starfare, who has her own entry under "Brainless Bimbo" in the RhyDin dictionary, flat out admitted that her spell-addled mind is now resulting in psychotic behavior. She should be chained in a dark hole and sprayed with cold water until she gets better. Wyheree spent more time looking for magical portals that don't defy the laws of physics instead of looking for the missing key chain, Physhra Pink apparently cannot keep her legs closed enough to report on something more newsworthy than the change of seasons, Tyranacus and Brandi can only write about themselves, as if anyone cared, and Gavilean is a mind controlling criminal who should be dropped off a tall cliff onto sharp rocks.
Sell the paper to someone who knows what they are doing, fire, or imprison, the staff, and waddle off to a life of quiet retirement, sitting in your tree with a bunch of bananas, hooting contentedly. It's the only way out now.
Concerned Citizen
DEAR CONCERNED, all of us at The Oracle are so touched by your words of kindness that I decided to print your letter first. We feel the love. You even have fan mail! It's right below my reply, I hope you enjoy it. And don't you worry about a thing, there won't be more retractions. Especially when your obit finally makes it to our offices. Thank you for your continued support!
TO THE ONE KNOWN ONLY AS "NONE OF YOUR CONCERN". Get bent.
Thank you.
A loyal reader.
DEAR EDITOR, the paper boy on the corner is charging me 500 Silver Crowns for a copy of your newspaper. He assures me that this is the price set by your offices and while I am reluctant to doubt the loveable scamp, I cannot help but suspect that he is perhaps taking advantage of me. Could you confirm or deny that this is the price of your publication?
Thank you, A loyal reader
DEAR LOYAL READER, that loveable scamp is taking advantage of you. Probably saw "I'm rich!" written on your forehead. Next time give him a silver crown and to feel free to come to my office to complain about you.
DEAR EDITOR, I am appalled. Appalled I tell you! I cannot describe just how utterly disgusted I am. How can you not do something about this? When I found out I just about fainted. It's going to take me
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days upon days to get over this. My poor family is suffering. I'm suffering. We're all suffering and we're doing nothing about it! How can we just sit by and let this happen? How can our dear town officials just sit on their hands and ignore it?
There are spiders in the peanut butter! Spiders!
Repulsed in RhyDin
DEAR REPULSED, I guess the spiders are fond of peanut butter. You learn something new everyday! I suggest you call an exterminator. Meanwhile, stay away from the peanut butter!
DEAR ORACLE STAFF, I would like to correct the staff of The Oracle regarding the short blurb written on page eight of the latest copy. The blurb I am referring to is the story of the Paladin almost caught by three women. Being a witness to this very event, I'd like to clarify that it was not a butterfly net being used to capture the male in question. These three ladies are well known (not just for their beauty) and are not stupid enough to try and catch a grown male with a butterfly net. The net was clearly of the fishing variety though the lady who produced the net was thoughtful enough to make sure that it would be very hard for the male to strangle himself in trying to escape by making the holes too small for this large Paladin's head.
You have also labeled this Paladin a "hero" which I strongly object to! Do we call men heroes that deny lovely ladies the delight of their company? I think not! These women were merely trying to be friendly and acted out against the Paladin with the net once they were scorned.
Warn the Paladin that we will get him next time!
Anonymous
DEAR ANONYMOUS, consider the blurb corrected! Oh no! Does this qualify as another retraction? I guess I spoke too soon. Ok, no more retractions after this one!
DEAR EDITOR, please print paparazzi photos of your journalists bare legs. Thank you.
P.S. Except Gav's.
A loyal reader
DEAR LOYAL READER, I'm pretty sure that Gavilean will enjoy this assignment. I will pass the note to him.
DEAR EDITOR Will you marry me?
Sincerely, A loyal reader
DEAR EDITOR I retract my proposal of marriage. I just saw a picture of Xenograg and he looks mean.
Thank you, A loyal reader
DEAR EDITOR On second thought, could you forward my proposal to Physhtra? She was hot in "Ride the Wild Rancheros"
Thank you, A loyal reader
DEAR LOYAL READER, I will make sure Physhtra receives your proposal. Although I'm not quite sure how she will feel when she finds out she wasn't your first choice.
All Creatures Big and Small
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HOME SOLD! The above mansion in the northern hills of RhyDin was recently purchased by a Lord David Dupres for an undisclosed amount.
Homes For Sale
Upscale Castle for sale with unique "pedestal moat" that makes the drawbridge moot. This antique-modern pole castle offers great views and a scenic location. Priced in the high 5 millions, this could be the castle of your dreams.
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Put Down Roots in your new neighborhood with this storm resistant, wind resistant, flood proof home that is environmentally friendly. Previously owned by a family of Trolls, this home has large rooms. Being sold "As Is" and without termite inspection. Only 100,000 Silver Crowns.
Duplex for a cozy couple. This former latrine has been remodeled into a cute little mother-daughter duplex and is perfect for a starter home and for those busy familes who are always on the go. All new indoor plumbing. A STEAL at only 15,000 Silver Crowns.
Do you want to see your home featured? Do you want to sell your house or rent an apartment? Sennd your ((private)) message to Gavilean Starfare.
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King Alexander Lasair and his son Prince Drake Lasair have been reported as killed by a mob that attacked the castle where they lived in the Kingdom that Alexandar's adopted daughter who survives him, Queen Icer Shimmerscale, now rules in his place.
They are also survived by the young Prince Drake's mother, Lady Lasherette Beresford, and Icer's adopted son, Tyranacus Spoot Drakose, his wife and children, Icer's mate Aurthur Shimmerscale as well as their children and her other sisters and brothers.
King Alexander Lasair was buried according to the customs of his Kingdom and rests beside his ancestors. Prince Drake Lasair was buried in a private ceremony at an undisclosed location by his mother, Lady Lasherette Breresford.
Official Tera Starfare Disclaimer: This is not to say that they are dead and gone forever however. This is to say that they are dead, buried, and have gravestones at the time of this printing of The Oracle.
Starfare Wedding Boutique — We here at Starfare Wedding Boutique offer several different plans to make that once in a lifetime occasion something that you and the love of your life can look back on with fond memories as your paths become one forevermore. For more information contact Gavilean or Tera Starfare either at their home or their mail boxes at the Red Dragon Inn.
DESPERATELY SEEKING no one, to do nothing, at the RhyDin Springs Water factory. This person I'm looking for shouldn't exist and in doing so, must not be able to lift between 50 - 75 lbs and be customer-oriented. They will not be paid a decent wage, including medical/dental benfits, and will have no hope for a good retirement plan. The unjob includes twenty personal and vacation days that will never be used. Please do not respond to this ad in person or by telephone, we won't want to hear from you. All RhyDinians are ugly, stupid and useless anyway.
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Hellballs Leather Goods — "When you need more than skin, Hellballs Leather Goods. After all, it's your hide you are protecting." — To place your order or for more information contact Woody Sprite. You can leave a message for him at the Red Dragon Inn.
Scathachian Sanctuary — Negotiation-irradication services for victims of injustice. For consultation interview (including fees), one may contact the Sanctuary directly, or Isuelt DeRomiano at the Red Dragon Inn.
Cargo Hauling, cheeeeeeap! — Courier for hire, I can take anything anywhere you want it to go. Contact box in the Red Dragon Inn, room five. Fees negotiable. Misty
Guthorm Othinsson is looking for work as a "Gar Bag Collector!" He says he is willing to "rub out your gar bag" for you anytime, anywhere, in RhyDin and surrounding areas. This Norseman comes with a sterling reputation for always getting the job done no matter how small or how large it may be you can count on Guthorm Othinsson to see to it that the work is done and done right the first time!
Only serious inquiries please. Messages may be left at the Red Dragon Inn in care of Guthorm Othinsson.
WORKERS NEEDED!! The Beresford Orchard is looking for strong, steady hard working men to help bring in this season apple harvest. Must have strong back, weak minded or bodied men need not apply. See Lasherette Beresford for information, or apply at the Beresford Orchard. Pay dependant on experience.
To submit your classified send a ((private)) message to the Editor.
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